March 8th ’18- Confidence

Woke up this morning and did the usual checking the phone for random crap this morning for a good 20 mins before getting out of bed. Why do we do this? I know I’m not the only person that does it, I don’t even have anything really to look out.                        Had Lily next to me again this time she woke up in the night crying saying her leg was sore (I just put it down to growing pains) so I had to try to rub her leg and get back to sleep at the same time.
Couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair, but did make an effort with my make up and wore a nice dress (which did make me look pregnant but I just breathed in and made it all better lol) and cardio that I hadn’t worn for a while, knew we had an open afternoon at the college so had to make some sort of effort. I have to say I don’t normally ‘big’ myself up but I looked pretty darn good.
All seemed quite positive in the morning kids were happy and left for school on time I looked like an actual proper professional teacher for once. All my students turned up ( I only have 3 on a Thursday but they very rarely turn up) the lesson I taught today was pretty crap. They already know a lot of it already as they have done the first yr and as there are only 3 of them they wizz through the sessions so the morning was quite long and dragged a bit but hey we got through and they learnt something, I think.
I had to stay on as we had some yr 10’s come in from a couple of secondary schools to show them how good the course is. Had a little activity planned for them and all they were interested in was the dolls!! Ok, so they weren’t just any dolls they were electronic dolls that cry etc but we didn’t have them on they were all delighted wouldn’t put them down. ( kind of scary though thinking these 14/15 yr olds love these dolls like they are real babies) anyway all going well until my mentor turns to me and ask if I want to add anything. Well that was bloody it I went mind blank didn’t I like WTF I could not think of anything to say. I could not believe it. I was so embarrassed. I have been in childcare since I was 16 why did I not have anything to say and stand there like a complete twat in front of these teenagers. I hate being put on the spot, even now at 32 I freeze. I do not know what is the matter with me. I did apologise after and my mentor just laughed which was a relief but I felt like carp after. I’ve never been the most confident of people but my confidence is getting worse I swear it drives me mad. Why can’t I be one of those confident people who can blag their way through anything. Lost all motivation then. Had so much cleaning to do but went home and sat down with a cuppa and had a little snooze! What is that all about I’m 32 not bloody 92. I feel that me starting this course has made me more lazy and not motivated to do anything. I think it’s because I have more time to myself and don’t know what to do with it. I have always worked or had my kids. I really struggle to get motivated and even my eating has got crap and its making me feel rubbish.
At least lily was happy after school today, she seemed to cheer me up and the sun, the sun makes everything better. Poppy (the rabbit) was out running around the garden and Lily was out reading her book. It was lush.

Didn’t really see Josh he came in then went out again. Oh to be a teenager hey.
Also today is international women’s day I may be a strong independent woman like many women out there who is also raising a very strong, confident independent young lady but equally I am raising a very strong, confident and independent young man who is just as equal. Happy International Women’s day.

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